The candid thoughts of former Premier League referee Colin Preece, as recorded by our eavesdropping mole in the Duck and Peasant.
Oh Gawd, gentlemen, I was determined to enjoy my retirement without the stress of making pronouncements on the world stage, but the last knockings of the transfer window have tipped me over the edge. The metaphorical edge, Dave, yes. Some of the lunacy out there is too much for a thinking man to keep quiet about.
Who’s the thinking man, Baz? One is talking about oneself, mate, and I don’t mean you could be included. Your thinking process is like primitive life emerging from the slime – no offence, mate.
So I’ll tell you what’s got me so worked up, since you ask. People buying multiple players for one position. Take Spurs. They sell Kyle Walker to Man City, and I didn’t use to like him but he’s come along well the last couple of years and sometimes for England he’s the one player you can see causing some danger.
And they’ve got a readymade replacement, Kieran Tripper, who has also had a go with the national team. And then who emerges but Kyle Walker-Peters. Now that’s just bloody silly, isn’t it, a guy with almost exactly the same name coming through for the same position at the same club.
Anyway, they’ve got those two readymade replacements, and what do they do? They buy Serge Aurier from PSG. Did they need him, Baz? What’s going to happen to the other two if he plays? That’s English talent being blocked again.
In case of injuries, Baz? I’m glad you brought that up, because what it reminds me of is that episode of Blackadder Goes Forth where he’s in prison, about to be shot but planning to escape and Baldrick brings him a Robin Hood costume. And Baldrick’s thinking is: what if the Captain finds himself in a French village in the middle of a fancy dress party? And Blackadder says, “What if I find myself in a French village and there isn’t a fancy dress party?”
So when you only need one right back and you’ve got three, what’s the rationale? The reasoning, Baz – what’s the thinking behind it?
Yes, I suppose there could be two fancy dress parties.
And there was this late flurry about Fernando Llorente. Chelsea had just bought Morata and they already had Michy Batshuayi, not to mention Loic Remy peeling potatoes in the canteen to pass the time. So why would they need Llorente? Because they can, lads. Money.
Cheers Gary I’ll have a white wine spritzer. Titter ye not, gentlemen. You’ve seen my young lady. You don’t hang onto that sort of thing drinking pints and eating pork scratchings.
Who else is stockpiling, Dave? Yes, Liverpool are buying up all the dross as usual. Unkind but true, mate. No, I don’t know what they see in Oxlade-Chamberlain either. But it’s all part of life’s rich tapestry, and we may just have seen the richest tapestry we’re ever going to get, because it can’t carry on like this, can it? Insanity. They’d pay 25 million for you, Baz. Arsenal, I mean.