Ref! On the end of the world

The candid thoughts of former Premier League referee Colin Preece, as recorded by our eavesdropping mole in the Duck and Peasant.

 Referee

Cheer up, Baz. We’re English football fans. So we know the end of the world comes around every two years, and it happened again last night. You just don’t expect it to be caused by Iceland, that’s all. Remember when that Norwegian commentator gave us a load of verbal when they beat us? 1981 or something. And he was going “Maggie Thatchuurr. Maggie Thatchuurr. Your boys took a hell of a beating. Lord Nelson, Lord Beaverbrook, Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Anthony Eden, Clement Attlee, Henry Cooper, Lady Diana.”

That’s right, I know it off by heart. It used to be my party piece whenever there was a Scandinavian in the room. Yes, Dave, I was a bit of a pillock at the time. But really – who do these people think they are? One football match and they think they’re entitled to mouth off about it and we’ve just got to take it.

Who was Lord Beaverbrook, Baz? Newspaper proprietor, mate. Owned the Daily Express. No, I don’t know why the guy picked on him, must have just liked the sound of it. If we were doing that in reverse, who would we name? The only Norwegian I know is Anders Breivik.

Anyway, it wasn’t Norway this time, it was Iceland, and who do we know from there? That’s right, Dave: Bjork, funny-looking singer with a funny voice. Anyone else? No, all they’re famous for is having volcanoes that send out a load of dust and shut down airlines for a few days.

Well, that was all they were famous for. Now Iceland is another country that has beaten England at football.

Cheer, Gary, I’ll have a vodka. On the rocks. Just like it is, a drop of the hard stuff, mate. Down the hatch, bottoms up and here’s to swimmin’ with bow-legged women. Robert Shaw in Jaws, Dave.

Good game? I suppose you could say that, for the neutral, anyway. We weren’t bad, were we? Just unlucky. Rooney was off his game and Sterling had one of his days when he had plenty of the ball but didn’t look like he’d ever actually played before outside his back garden. I know some of the pundits are saying it was a diabolical performance, but really, we had a few chances and if just one of the shots on target had been a foot to one side we’d be laughing.

So what now? What now indeed. Another two weeks of football and no vested interest. No, I’m not supporting Wales. Do you think they’d support us if it was the other way round? No, good luck to them, but they’re a bunch of journeymen with a couple of superstars. I always want the best team to win a tournament, and I’m afraid that might mean the bloody Germans again.

So, for the neutral it’s a lose-lose situation. We’ll have the telly on , but I’ll be trying it on with Jody most of the time. And it’s very hard to combine making love with watching football. But in this case there can be only one winner, and it’s not Poland-Portugal.

 

 

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