Siobhan Kennedy-Clarke’s classic film reviews
Please note: this is a spoof. Siobhan (KayCee) didn't have much of an education but she's passionate about films
I don’t know if this was a big hit around the world like it was in the UK but it should of been because it’s a real classy movie get me I’ve come over all American. It’s full of British actors including Michael Caine which is always a good sign and Jane Horrocks whose best known for Absolutely Fabulous on TV she’s got this funny northern accent which is okay in this because it’s set in Yorkshire.
Jane is a shy, weird girl called Laura whose known as LV short for Little Voice I suppose because she’s little and the most outstanding thing about her is her voice. Honestly she can do impressions of Shirley Bassey and Judy Garland people like that it’s amazing it’s like she comes to life when she’s doing that but she’s so so shy the rest of the time.
Her Dad’s dead and you get the feeling it’s all her Mum’s fault it’s Brenda Blethyn funny name but you’d know her when you see her she got famous quite late in her career. She’s a pushy character what never grew up if you know what I mean and she’s had more boyfriends than Laura’s had hot dinners. I know my Mum’s no angel but at least she always remembers she’s got a daughter even when she’s got the hots for a fella.
Into little Laura’s life comes a telephone engineer Ewan McGregor he’s always good as well and he usually plays a nice guy so you get the feeling LV’s going to be okay in the end. But of course like I’ve said before if you just let that happen your in for a very short film so they’ve got to throw in some problems.
Her Mum’s new boyfriend Ray (Michael Caine) is an appealing chap and you wouldn’t mind him being your step Dad he’s good looking and funny he’s a showbiz manager whose acts are all useless so he’s never made any money he says to Brenda Wotsit “You and me have been shoveling shit all our lives,” which is pretty funny in the film but there’s lots of people like that in real life. Not licorally shoveling poo maybe but that kind of thing.
Anyways Ray thinks he can make LV a star and make him and her Mum rich at the same time so he books her a gig at a nightclub. The problems I was talking about come in and you can imagine it dosen’t go well I could never write this sort of thing because I just want everybody to be happy so I’d have LV coming out of her shell because she loves Ewan and she becomes famous and marries him and her Mum and Ray get a big house by the sea and everybody’s happy. But that’s not what happens.
It’s funny though if you don’t take it too serious and Ray sings this Roy Orbison song It’s Over and he ends up shouting and screaming it while the building burns down. One thing Michael Caine can’t do is sing unless he was just pretending but Jane Horrocks can she’s brilliant.